the prelude to my God post, or the first in a series

This fall, I'm taking a class on the oral history of Saint Louis. Part of the class requires that we interview Saint Louis residents and write a paper using their commentary. Today at New City, three homeless people (2 men, 1 woman) were sharing their stories and experiences. As I listened to how they were being forcibly moved from a park in downtown Saint Louis, I thought of this class and how awesome it'd be to have their perspective. I wanted to give them my name and number, but I just couldn't: Would it be ethical? If I approach them about this class, would I be the clueless WU student unwittingly using her power/privilege to her advantage? etc., etc.

However, a part of me knew it would be a step of faith to just ask. By step of faith, I mean trusting God that it would be the right move. But I couldn't make that step. I don't know God's voice well enough to make that step. This knowledge has reminded me of how stagnant my relationship with God has become. This time last year, I was steady learning and reading and growing. With school and abroad (especially abroad...), I've hit a roadblock: I thought I'd be able to integrate God into my life even with the hecticness that is school and the adventuresomeness that is life abroad. No dice.

Looking back, I realize that trying to integrate God into my life was the wrong move. I have to just give my life - in its entirety - to Him. That scares me. I don't like being out of control of my life. If I had it my way, I'd steadily work God in so I don't loose track of the other things I'm doing. But if I do that, then I'm putting God on my timetable, telling Him to wait in line. I know that's not what He's asked of anyone and I'm no exception. I just have to lay it down.

Honestly, I'm not ready to go there. I know there's never a time when you're ready, but still. sigh. ... Anyway, anyone wanna share about what happened after they layed it all down? What kind of joy did you get? (Basically, my heart needs a push in the right direction...)