the prelude to my God post, or the first in a series

This fall, I'm taking a class on the oral history of Saint Louis. Part of the class requires that we interview Saint Louis residents and write a paper using their commentary. Today at New City, three homeless people (2 men, 1 woman) were sharing their stories and experiences. As I listened to how they were being forcibly moved from a park in downtown Saint Louis, I thought of this class and how awesome it'd be to have their perspective. I wanted to give them my name and number, but I just couldn't: Would it be ethical? If I approach them about this class, would I be the clueless WU student unwittingly using her power/privilege to her advantage? etc., etc.

However, a part of me knew it would be a step of faith to just ask. By step of faith, I mean trusting God that it would be the right move. But I couldn't make that step. I don't know God's voice well enough to make that step. This knowledge has reminded me of how stagnant my relationship with God has become. This time last year, I was steady learning and reading and growing. With school and abroad (especially abroad...), I've hit a roadblock: I thought I'd be able to integrate God into my life even with the hecticness that is school and the adventuresomeness that is life abroad. No dice.

Looking back, I realize that trying to integrate God into my life was the wrong move. I have to just give my life - in its entirety - to Him. That scares me. I don't like being out of control of my life. If I had it my way, I'd steadily work God in so I don't loose track of the other things I'm doing. But if I do that, then I'm putting God on my timetable, telling Him to wait in line. I know that's not what He's asked of anyone and I'm no exception. I just have to lay it down.

Honestly, I'm not ready to go there. I know there's never a time when you're ready, but still. sigh. ... Anyway, anyone wanna share about what happened after they layed it all down? What kind of joy did you get? (Basically, my heart needs a push in the right direction...)

i have more productive and meaningful things to say than FUCKIT

Kenya is over and to see this space become a “that-time-in-Kenya” timecapsule would be a shame. Kenya was life-changing, but it is not the culmination of my profound life experiences. Not only would that be sad, it would discount what my day-to-day life has to teach me. And, as of late, it’s been teaching me a lot.

But I’ll split those lessons up into separate posts. Right now, I wanna talk a little about the direction of this blog. It started as an attempt to not be a quitter anymore. I’ve had some pretty great successes with that over the past few months, but I’m still sawing away at the root of the problem: See, what most folk don’t know, is that I tend to view my thoughts/perspectives as insignificant. I know ::points to head:: that that isn’t true, but I don’t know ::points to heart:: that it’s not true.

In an attempt to rectify this situation, this blog will now focus on what I observe day-in, day-out. I’ll try to post weekly so that a) I can give adequate attention to what I wanna talk about, b) I don’t exhaust my thought-bank, and c) I avoid making the transition from “Who cares what I think” to “Because, you know, I’m an expert”

What’s more, I’d like y’alls input. (Because, if I wanted a monologue, I’d’ve shut this place down some time ago…)

Anyway, I look forward to keeping this blog up and I look forward to hearing from y’all.


Oh btws… Upcoming topics (in no particular order)—

1) Not wanting to heartlessly abandon Saint Louis
2) My love/fear relationship with writing
3) Men. Black ones in particular.
4) Me: What’s good God? .. God: Me. When are you gunna stop askin me that???
5) Senior year