I was tested for HIV today

For my last month abroad, I'm working with the Youth Programme at Family Health Options Kenya (FHOK) in Nakuru. The majority of my work is doing voluntary counseling and testing (VCT) outreaches in various neighborhoods in the city. Basically, I approach residents in their homes, on their porches, at storefronts - anywhere people are congregated - and try to convince them to come to our on-site counseling and testing center to get their questions about HIV/AIDS answered and get an HIV test. While being less-than-fluent in KiSwahili is definitely a hurdle, my real problem was being so bold as to try and persuade people to get tested when I hadn't gotten tested myself.

In my defense, I don't engage in "high-risk" activities: I'm a virgin, don't do needle drugs, and I'm pretty certain that my mother doesn't have HIV/AIDS, and therefore, I'm pretty certain I didn't contract the virus while I was still in/coming out of the womb. While I'm "low-risk," classifying myself as such creates a certain distance between "high-risk" individuals and me. It makes me feel like I'm not "one of them."

That feeling definitely disappeared when I was waiting for my test results. Real talk, I freaked out a little: I tried to remember if my pediatrician had swabbed the needles before he gave me shots, if the guys I've kissed had had any cuts in their mouths*, second-guessed whether or not I could get HIV from drinking after someone.

You name the potential risk, and I was thinking about it in the five minutes I had to wait for that test to come back. For a few scary seconds, I thought I had tested positive: The tester told me that each rectanglewould turn red if I was positive, and of course, both rectangles turned red. As he watched my face go into "WTF?!" mode, he clarified: A horizontal red bar would show up in each rectangle if I was positive. I only had one horizontal bar, so I was good.

Even though I was 99.9% sure I wasn't HIV+ before the test, going through the test really brought home the fact that HIV/AIDS does not discriminate. While that's something most people know, I feel like the meaning of that doesn't fully sink in until you're confronted with the possibility that you could be positive. When you're sitting in that chair getting tested, your risk level doesn't matter. You're at risk. You could have HIV/AIDS. Period.

When you're in that chair, HIV/AIDS becomes just another disease. Deadly, but no more difficult to contract than the flu. Gaining this perspective removes all conscious/subconscious value judgments you have about people with HIV/AIDS. As progressive, conscious, etc. as I believe myself to be, those value judgments were definitely there. Simply believing that I just couldn't possibly have HIV/AIDS was judgment enough. Taking that test got rid of that me/them dichotomy with a quickness. ...Only if there was a test like that for every high-and-mighty feeling I have. ::sigh::

*I mean I was thinking, "Did dude bite his jaw while he was eating? Did it have time to heal before we kissed?" Ridiculous, right? But you get an HIV test and tell me you don't have the same thoughts.