real talk, it's been a lonely few days. there've been great times, and i really am enjoying the country, but at the end of the day, i'm plagued by the fact that i'm here with 20+ people i don't know but whom all know each other. they're sweet folks, and are sensitive to the fact that i might feel out of place b/c i don't have 3ish years of history with them. they make attempts to talk to me, say good morning, include me in conversations. really, i couldn't ask for a friendlier group of folk. i just wish my logic and good sense would filter down to my case of the lonelies when they hit. -_-
if i wasn't God's kid, i'm sure i'd wallow in this. but He won't allow it.
i was in the common room earlier, trying to be somewhat sociable, but decided to peace out because i felt so out of place. i retreated to the study room, turned on my gospel music, and kinda drifted to sleep. then i got a really unexpected IM. after listening to me emote for a bit, my friend gave me some advice and made me feel less silly about how i felt. all i really needed was someone to talk to, ya know? i would've been cool if he'd just let me say what i wanted to say, gave me a virtual pat on the back, and let me be on my way...
but, God being God, He had to let me know that He was all up in this conversation, that He wasnt going to let me mess up this opportunity: after giving me some general advice, my friend said, "skype and gchat can be a godsend, if you are on at the right times and don't mind losing sleep."
God is a bit snarky isnt He? anyway, i signed off, then felt led to read Psalms 139. peep 7, 9-12:
"Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? ... If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,' even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you."
heh. i mean, i would say more, but i think Psalms said it for me. anyway. i'm good now. gunna keep pushing on this social tip. don't worry bout me ya'll. i'll be fine =)
soccer! the compound i live on houses the study abroaders, the professors, groundskeepers, laundry staff, cooks, etc. so, i live with other students and kenyan families. there're kids running around, old(er) folks that are hilarious, etc., etc. it's like living within 5 minutes of your grandma, cousins, aunts, etc. it's awesome. anyway.
families = lots of kids. lots of kids = lots of play! so i played a pickup game of soccer with a couple of them. got my butt whomped! but not for a lack of trying: i was sure running after (then past) that ball. tried to do one of those cool soccer slides into the goal. FAIL! definitely grass-stained up and hair was sweated out. but damn i felt open: when you're playing soccer, there's no one set of moves that'll get the right end result. it's a lot of improvising and split-second judgments. being in the moment and going with my instincts is something i struggle with. that game of soccer really opened up the spontaneity section of my brain. i'm hoping the rest of the trip is like that.... =)
being in a country full of black people i know that when kenyans see me and the other students, they don't think, "oh, why is that black girl with those white students?" instead, they're thinking, "americans." because the majority of kenyans consider nationality before race, "black" has a different meaning in kenya. clearly, i haven't figured out what the nuances are, but i'll see soon enough... =) despite that, it's still great to just be in a country full of black folk: i've gotten so many ideas about what to do with my hair just by going to the store; i don't have to look extra hard for the blow dryer with the attachable comb; stores play music by black americans; at the museum, the models of the homo sapiens were black with curly hair.
the food fresh fruit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; well-seasoned vegetables; well-cooked meat. i love not eating processed food.
bonus: quoteable quotes! (meeting ujao, our bus driver, at the airport) ujao: hi, my name is jao. me: is that your name or are you greeting me? (i couldn't hear "hi my name is" b/c of the accent...)
(at an orientation meeting) warimu (teacher): "what do catepillars do when they crawl on you?"
PJ (fellow study abroader): "they tickle!"
warimu: "no. they sting." (they really do sting... :-\)
“But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” –Ephesians 2:4-7
I was looking for a verse to compliment this post, and quoted the first one I saw that said “grace.” Real talk, the focus of this verse isn’t grace*, but I’m putting it up as an epigraph anyway. My Bible doesn’t have an index of frequently used terms/words and their corresponding verses, and I really wasn’t trying to flip through page after page looking for a verse on grace that reflects what I'm about to say. Apologies for being a lazy (Bible) scholar, but it’s been a long, wonderful, enriching, challenging 3 or 4 days.
Anyway. Ephesians 2:4-7 stuck out fairly literally: The translation I’m working with (The Harper Collins Study Bible) offsets “by grace you have been saved” with dashes. The translators might as well have put “by grace…” in purple. The bold rhetorical and visual effect of dashes makes readers focus on what’s inscribed in them. I feel like those dashes were God’s way of giving me a spiritual focus for this trip. I need grace, and I need to know I need grace, and I need to accept that I need grace, and I need to accept grace, and I need to learn to give grace.
I feel like God has moved on all these fronts in the past 72-96 hours. My most recent “EH YO! DON’T FORGET ABOUT GRACE!” moment was me half-crawling, half-climbing on to this bunkbed so I could write this entry: In the past four days, I’ve slept less than 8 hours. This is not the normal WashU not-sleeping. This is pack the night before you go, can’t sleep on the plane because turbulence keeps you up and you’re really not supposed to sleep in a sitting position in the first place, drag 100+ lbs of luggage across two international airports, get charged unexpected fees, land at 7am but your body knows its really 3am, drag more luggage, unpack, walk 2 miles, pay close attention at orientation b/c the info is actually useful kinda not-sleeping.
Try climbing into a bunk with that on your back. … Clearly, grace got me on this bunk.
Which, of course, begs the question, “What is grace?” Looking at ol' Ephesians up there, I feel like grace is that thing that overwhelms the human for the glory of God. And, like I said before, I need it, need to know I need it, etc. A lot of examples of how God has been teaching me about grace has been rolling around as of late. The one that sticks out to me most is this whole race/university situation.
As I’m sure you’ll be unsurprised to know, I’m the only Black student on this trip. I am one of two WashU students. Real talk, it’s hard not being able to refer to Black culture or WashUness. While I can talk to the other WashU student about WashU things, it just isn’t the same as it is with my close friends. It sucks sometimes. My human-ness wants me to crawl up and be anti-social and not see how some of the St. Lawrence kids are trying to be sensitive to the fact that I’m not one of them. My ability to stay social is acceptance of grace. The act of writing this to you is an admittance that I need grace. When one of the St. Lawrence kids does rub me the wrong way, I correct him/her without treating his/her life (too much). That’s giving (some) grace. Real talk, it’s gunna take some grace to deal with some of these people, but that’s part of what God’s teaching me right?
Lord. I’m tired.
I want to get deeper into this grace thing, but ima have to catch you guys later. And I’ll try to reply to comments when I have time and energy to give a thoughtful response to each of you =)
*it’d be greatly appreciated if some of you could post a verse or two that deals directly with it
I've spent a week avoiding and creating this blog. My issues with blogging aside, I was most afraid of posting my thoughts balls-out on a somewhat-regular basis. I wasn't going to let fear have me, so I set my phone alarm to ring at midnight - every night - until I made the damn thing. After 7 reminders to blog dammit! I finally made a domain name.
Truth be told, you should have been reading this post Monday night/Tuesday morning, but I got wrapped up in designing my page. I'm a perfectionist and I wanted my blog to look exactly the way I imagined it. I spent forever looking for layouts then, well, I'm sure you can see FUCK IT written all over the white space.
I'm quite irked that I can't bring my vision of this blog to fruition (at least in a design sense). The fear, perfectionism, FUCK IT, and irkedness that have kept me from this blog are the story of my life: When I finally try something new and things don't go according to my plan, I FUCK IT and move on to something else, annoyed.
Determinedly, I didn't let my designfail keep me from blogging. I guess you can say I'm changing the plot of my story then, right? And if you don't say it, I am: I'm changing the plot of my story. Bye-bye perfectionism! Hello negative capability!
As a first step in leaving doors open and things untidy, this blog will have plenty of posts that have nothing to do with my time in Kenya, that may be TMI, that will sight-see through my thoughts without any destination, that may have nothing to do with me. Get used to it or don't subscribe.
Anyway. I'm in Kenya for the next four months. I've really been trying not to think about it. Maybe I'll say more later to keep ya'll from reading an overly-long post. =]
